MAY 2000

april march february january 1999

 

june 1 2000                                   OK so it's not May anymore. What's a girl to do?

i entered my website address in Jann Arden's comments book at the concert on monday night, as IF she will ever read it but you know how us people with self-glorifying web-sites are LOL so if they ever come here i hope they see the lyrics at the bottom. they're hers, so she should recognize them.

what is this thing, anyways? this cold grey box... i have discarded it's utility in my home, beside paint chips cameras and empty pizza boxes; it is lacklustre, discardable, and one-dimensional. i no longer require it. nine hours every day i type into one of these things staring into server boxes and wondering which script has failed (AGAIN). i no longer require this iplement in my home, no longer sit beside it for hours every morning, i have little ues for such solitary behaviour. the grass looks greener now, the bars inviting. goodbye cruel box, goodbye.

not only the moving thing not only the summer thing; i've just discarded computer use in my daily life. feels good to flip those dirty pages again, feels good to read the obituaries, i ain't really missing much in this 'world'. maybe i'm getting old...

 

dear John
I got your voice mail.
At the moment everything and everyone I know is kind of hairy scary upside downkinda, so there won't be asking anyone quite yet. We're very keen to hang out with 'your crowd' and mostly I must say excited that the McKrann family will be joining us, I used to hang out with Kim sort-uh when my parents used to visit her parents down the street. Have never even seen the two of them together, it kinda weirds me out to tell the truth, not that they're together just the whole chateauguay-meets-chateauguay thing (which of course ernie and i have done guiltyily LOL) so the point of that last blabber sentance was that I really like Kim and really look forward to seeing them!!!!!! You said 'me and my girlfriend' on the phone, I certainly hope you're still shagging Isabelle cause she's cool. And I'll also add, not to sound like a fricking tape recorder or anything but we are also very muchly looking forward to this get-together and appreciate the invite more than we cay say. We will certainly need it after spending the next two weeks painting 762 dollars of frickin' paint on our new walls. We move next Friday and after that we freak out. But please please, if you need money upfront don't be shy. LOL
I say we all meet at the Typhoon Lounge a week prior to the event to discuss logistics.
Martinis and camping, AH, my kind of life. :-)

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May 29                                      od

i am leaving the od for Simon

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May 27                                      one Italian boyfriend

she filled her over-sized wine goblet with ice. "sit down, talk to me" she beckoned, hoping anything could distract her from the local torment in her mind. i doubted it could. i sat in a small armchair, nervously glancing in and out of the window. the room seemed dark. she began to quietly bark out any small details she could remember about the place. "i'll have to remember to give you the remote for the garage" i nodded. "now i have a big Italian boyfriend, but before that, my boyfriend and I used to argue about the couch. isn't it stilly how people who live together argue over the silliest little things? this is my spot," she said, beckoning with her head to the zone she inhabited on the floral sofa. "he was a sofa guy, so he made the other one. so this was my sofa, and that was his. isn't that silly?" she nervously chuckled.

i had a hard time determining if this persona, this nervous but warm and inviting woman, fit neatly into one of the parcels already defined in my mind, or i would need to create a new one. as she sat in her corner in the kitchen telling us that she really has no one here, no husband, no children, basically no one, save one Italian boyfriend, her parcel-ocation became all of a sudden glaringly apparent: this is a lonely woman who could really use a friend. all of a sudden i felt that she needed me, needed someone.

so i left that place which will soon be our home, picturing as hard as i could in my mind what several fresh coats of paint will do. i pictured it for 12 years with her in it, then i pictured it painted with us in it. me and my sofa-boyfriend, my italian-boyfriend, and all of the people who might eventually roam in and out of it. then i tried, with all my might, to picture her in her new pink rooms, small, but painted, wondering if her Italian boyfriend likes the second sofa...

 

stories still to come:     give the pen back and other stories

 

 

 

 

May 26                                       la la la again

sleepless

take your coat and shoes off
we could talk for hours
or we could just do mothing
four billion people surround us
so many souls lose their way
all that we have is each other
and that's all i ever wanted
yeah yeah yeah
don't you think it's funny
tell me what the point is
we could die tomorrow
might as well enjoy this
FOUR billion people surround us
so many souls lose their way
all that we have is each other
and that's all i ever wanted
yeah yeah yeah
give me all your dissapointments
i'll give you all my secrets
we could lay our heads down
or be forever sleepless
four billion peole surrround us
so many souls lose their way
all that we have is each other
and that's all i ever wanted
yeah yeah yeah

j.a

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May 25                                                                singing in my dreams

dreaming: Daphne invited me to a small gathering which turned out to be in
the Black's house. once i got there, i was quite bored, so i made my way
slowly outside. there were some people bouncing around so i began to do
gymnastics. they were impressed that i could do front flips, and to tell you
the truth, so was i! all of my skills came irght back, and THEN some, it was
truly an incredible feeling. [i always wanted to get back to the point where i
could do backflips again, but if it only ever happens in my dreams, this one
was real enough] soon, i was doing front layouts, then with a full twist, then
back layouts, it was really amazing. the only problem was, when i got back
to the 'meeting' in the basement of the Black's house, Dr. T was already on
her way out and she looked very very dissapointed that I had not stayed.
later on in the dream i was discussing with another woman who had left
the meeting (although I didn't remember she had been there) and she said
she was really annoyed because basically it was an activist meeting (i guess
her insinuation was that it was disguised as something else). i didn't really care
if it was, if Daphne invited me i was intrigued.

"maybe i hang around here, a little more than i should"

 

 

 

May 24                                                                words i've never used
i guess overwhelmed just isn't one of the plethora of words that i have ever
considered to describe anyone.intellectually it makes sense, i suppose - there is alot going on around here at times (especially times like now), but overall i just cannot fathom being overwhelmed.
there is so much to know, to see, to explore; so much life in living, so much
to give, to take, to share; i can't imagine what a world would be like if these
things were unaccessible, unavailable to explore. ; it's hard to grasp that some of us have such different perceptions of it all, Hard to believe that we all call this same thing life while some of us enjoy
it so much and others wish that some of it would go away, or perhaps couldn't give a damn if it did or not.

tsk tsk.

it was a long cold weekend on a wooden boat while the packing did not progress.

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May20                                                                                      dunkin' donuts and what is not
it hit me the other night. i'm not decided as to whether or not these life revelations are a good thing or a bad thing, but a very crucial point hit me as i watched the passerbys outside of our st.hubert restaurant patio; buses, noisy dnce music, over-garlicked caesar salad and all. some might consider it a dunkin' donut-ism (see footnote) but i'll just chalk it up to myunending hope to once again see the world as a child;; which, in case you didn't know already is the only way one should ever truly see anything.

it hit me that the reason the city enthralled me; drew me in, beckoned me, from childhood, is because i thought all of these people who didn't look like the lady next door hanging out her laundry were COMPLEX. COMPLICATED. you'd have to be complicated to live in the city, there's so much going on. you are a part of things that don't exist in the suburbs. these complex people had lived through all kinds of different things than i had. they were different. i'm struggling to write this as i do, because it's nearly impossible for me to admit to what extent i stereotype, parcelize, package, summarize, and insist of fitting everything i see, do or know, into a conveniently understandable (to my naive, suburbian eye) box. i was always bad at that, er good, or um, guilty? guilty as charged, yes, guilty as all tomorrow. all my tomorrows is what it has affected. so it turns out that they're just plain old folk, they live in dwellings, they eat, they sleep, they have the same basic needs as all bipeds. they just live in the city, DUH.

and from there we spin around 180 to the three of us off to dinner at Mogul; buzzing on about boating activities, [brrrrring chris's phone rings] and when we walk into the Indian restaurant on a rather quiet sunny friday night, the owner seems pleased to see us but generally discontented and concerned...where are all the customers, i wonder?
 
 

footnote:
dunkin' donutism: i realized at about the age of seventeen that the ubiquitous donut joint aptly named 'Dunkin' Donuts', was actually named for a suggestion of what you might want to do with your donut, and not simply a woman named 'Dunkin'. The point is, some things are just too obvious; too much a part of the scenery, that you never have reason to question them. most of them are so obvious that they come to fruition at about age six, but there are others which elude many of us, even into ripe old adulthood. (good examples include widely-used but rarely-understood expressions such as 'for all intents and purposes' which some people think is spelled 'for all intensive purposes' and other such...) you never should feel stupid for admitting to Dunkin' Donutisms, I don't, and since I invented them, that sets a quite valid precendent, but moreover , they are silly thing s which are so obvious you miss them out of intelligence, since the reason you missed them the first sixteen million times around is because
they are quite rightly, too obvious to think about.

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May15                   1:47 PM.
 

it's just that, that's all.
the packing has begun; it's like a whole new life awaits us there.
but who will really really understand why i had to do this? unlikely anyone. i can't tell you
what i dream of in the yard with the squirrels to and fro-ing; with only candles lighting the