November 18 2002

no words are words enough for a cumulative loss such as this.
it still takes a double-take every time my mind goes there.
even yoda's wisdom cannot explain why she was taken from us at two years old.
there is no greater force than the one with which we all wish we could bring her back.
it feels silly to even think about writing anything else.



 
 
 
 

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November 9

nap-time for her,
e-time for me.
40 minutes of shoulders-down time.

she feels like a part of me, not separate.
only in waves do i realize that her life is hers.
separation anxiety hasn't set in yet.
 

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November 5                               analyze and debate mode

people with stormy opinions like myself spend more time in 'analyze and debate' mode. so many people are satisfied with 'simple pleasures' mode, living through life - perhaps happy to make it through at all - instead of dissecting the world around us; why is US foreign policy US foreign policy? what is US foreign policy anyways and how does it affect the world? and why are there so many things about babies that the medical community is divided on? is it really possible to have a 'culture' of letting people drive willy nilly and kill each other on the roads? i've been to milan, driving on sidewalks is part of their culture, but i suppose it hasn't killed many people... does the American Dream exist? i'll argue that it does, but that seems to depend on one's perception of the definition of the American Dream. i still say you're more likely to have a house and a picket fence if you live in the US, and that's how i see the American Dream. doesn't mean i want it. it's about disposable income, that's all. often that's enough, especially to the people who spend alot of time in 'simple pleasures' mode. i envy them at 10PM when my brain is on overdrive and toots is going to wake up hungry at 12.
 
 
 
 
 

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November 3

living with your decisions 101. doesn't matter how much inner strength you try to muster up to push it out of your mind, it can't be forced out. the only way to truly accept having made a wrong decision is to accept that you've done so and move on.
 

now that i know the meaning of mercilessly castigating oneself, i seem to be doing it more.
 
 

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November 2
and the pendulum that is raising a child swings. one day, i can't wait to make sundaes with her and walk in the forest; the next, it's physically painful not being able to truly capture her as she is now, no matter how hard i try or how many different types of media i use.

winter has arrived in this northern city. baptismal flowers, white as snow, still as crisp and fresh as the day they were cut. tidying done; with minutes to spare, poots scours her piles and lists and emails for fragments of leftovers of things left undone. frustrated when there's too many things to do, she panics when she can't find any. it's hard to win when you're a Leo-Virgo cusp.

email has become that place i feel organized. it's the balanced chequebook; the coffee with friends, both old and new; the tidy house. but still, when will this 'i've left someone or something hanging feeling' ever go away ...