march 31, 1997.
my episodic privacy allows me several moments of reflection, per day. the java which i brewed permits a clarity of thought early in the day. recluse from the snow that falls, solace from a life that calls me, when i sit here in this place, amongst friends who let me trace the lines of my mind, i can see clearly now at least my own thoughts.
what would phyllis tell me now?
i think i know.
broad statement #1:
broad statements about life are becoming fewer and farther between.
what broad statement could possibly sum up L's sad view? which sweeping
ideology could ever explain the differences in how we see
the world, ourselves and life?
wondering where the story is, the one i wrote for Michael Godfrey in college.
about lauren and returning from california, funny, really, that i've lost
it...
and so march ends as more snow falls. what else ends now?
what begins? we wish we knew.
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march 30, 1997.
most are not here this weekend. most are out and about, eating
and visiting, celebrating, traveling, liberating. 'we' are very much
here. although in another sense we are not. the powers that be
have invited us south, and so 'we' have things to do. here, this
useful place, where we can learn about a foreign place, talk to
foreigners, send cvs in 'resumix' format, read about work permits
and free trade agreements, and read about the population of that
place in excruciating detail ... how can anyone possibly say this
place is not useful, a comfort? my only conclusion (and how easy
it is to write it here) is that they simply do not know. i can wonder
that perhaps, perhaps, i am no longer able to see it as they do.
i can wonder, maybe, maybe they do not need these things, the
information i find here. perhaps their lives are content, rounded,
complete even, without need ... for more ... for more in this way ...
perhaps.
*hop* [that was me, getting off the soap box.]
gray outside, very little like an ideal Easter. But the spirit of Easter
is within, within us. instead of sitting around insulting people's beliefs,
let's just say that if we could each see it as a time of rebirth, on the
inside as well as on the outside, no matter what the weather ... use it
for what you will, for what you need it for, for what strengthens you ...that
is all they ever did you know ... i always thought they had some kind of
magical formula, that they used their beliefs for something deeper, that
the intentions were somehow better ... but it's not true. if we were all
believers you'd be surprised at what we would pray for. i do believe. i
do believe that the intentions are very similar. the good is still there.
the spirit of rebirth, of valuing life and love above all. if not, we wouldn't
be making movies like the Lion King.
march 28, 1997.
when you truly live by the perception
rule, you can accept everyone.
you'll never understand everyone, but you may learn to accept them.
there is a reason for everything. a reason you may exclude people
and a reason you may include them. i'll bet that their reasons for
being the way they are that causes you to exclude them, is more
valid than the reason you exclude them. i'll bet on this theory 99%
of the time.
dancing in a suburban bar. chatting with
the locals. shooting some pool.
and...sitting in a large wooden place of worship, singing, yes, praying.
thinking about perceptions, perceptions in that place, perceptions which
prevent people from living their lives and the perceptions that cause
others to do so. all we have is perception. let things be what you want
them to be. don't let them tell you. go back and reminisce, put other faces
there, other names, and let yourself know that nothing has changed. give
yourself at least the freedom of perception. there is no reality.
let the music take you.
let the lyrics bring you.
let the melody haunt you.
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march 27, 1997.
i said the focus would come and it did, as usual, in the decarie.
fantasy. learning the difference between things that i want to happen,
wish one day to happen, and fantasy. just now learning the difference.
does everyone have these thoughts? does everyone have fantasies that they
want to happen and fantasies they don't want to happen? is this the difference
or are they called two different things? so i'm thinking about the difference
between my 'fantasies' (i'll call these things that are real fantasies)
and between the things that are not fantasies, but things that given the
(highly unlikely) situation, I would want to happen. and so. this
brings me to other people. i often assume that i'm thinking more complex
things than others. why wouldn't i? i can't think their complex
thoughts…what i see on the outside is simple. or simplified? (this
is the key of course) i have no way of being in their complicated
thoughts so it's so easy to assume they don't have any. so i try to come
up with a few people and try to think if they possibly have fantasies like
i do. then i conclude, from what i hear them say, see them do, no. most
people probably don't. society tells us that these things are 'bad' although
our therapists know the difference. know that they can be healthy. but
then again if you are like me you make your own judgements about what is
healthy for you, so you don't really care who thinks it's heathy or not,
you just do it and assume that if you lead a normal life you're oK. so
i shouldn't be assuming that other people's thoughts are simple. why. because
it leaves me bored that's why. if i could assume that other people are
thinking more complex thoughts (which is perhaps what G thinks in asking
me tons of questions) then i will ask them things, questions, and learn.
or will i? ok ok lets assume i will. in any case it gets annoying trying
to remember whether or not i should go around assuming people are simpler
or more complicated than what i know. it's not a judgment call, i'd just
like to know. why do i want to know? because I like things to be simplified.
what a contradiction in terms. i want to know if people are simpler or
more complicated to simplify things. what? so. next subject. this led me
to: you see the more i write here, the more i learn, and the less i have
to write. i mean, if you're a fool you babble on assuming that everyone
wants to know everything about your life. if you have some intelligence
then you try to write what people would be interested in reading, what
will stimulate them what will stimulate you. but then the more you learn,
the more you learn that most people aren't interested in much of that.
so you start trying hard to write what's interesting, what's intelligent.
this brings about writers block and you start to write stuff you think
is real junk, just for the sake of it. But! as we said, you learn along
the way and this knowledge leads to your ability to write about new ideas.
Like now. So, then you write more. and this is another example of how there
is a time for everything. the waxing and waning. the circular nature of
things.
everything has it. don't be afraid of it. accept it into your life.
is this what they meant all along?
the natural rhythm of life and accepting the highs with the lows?
if you accept it then it makes sense.
with that comes a certain inner peace.
bring it with you where you go, and it will serve you.
It has until now. Eventually, you will have more things to write.
one last thing, on the question of who we write for?
well we cannot write in a vacuum so not ultimately, we write for you. and
as with everything else, ultimately, we write for ourselves. amen.
now THATS stream of consciousness!
the bio is here