March 31 1999
day in day out
how much more do i know
than yesterday
you tell me,
for all i see
is my world still.
no great advances in the
observation deck;
no personal debendatures
of revelations and praise
only accomplishment
a sense of moving forward
a sense of being somewhere
i have
longed to be . . . for a
long,
long, time. gives me space,
this
rushing, gives me life back
looking back;
into the meatiness;
leaving little time for
analysis, self psycho or
otherwise;
but in the growing is the
knowing
and of the seeing, the being.
so with much in the hind
and more to the fore;
faretheewell to march
orange lest ye be
and spring into aprilness
with it's necessary grays
on these pleasant,
quick-moving,
yet pre-Easter days.
March 28 1999
winter rocked
they
know
it's coming.
the geraniums spring forth
with new leaves, i can watch them grow by day or by night.
newfallen snow won't fool them,
no,
because firey-BLUE skies and
sliverly moons past seven PM for sure, tell the truth.
and me, i know it's coming too.
new clothes hamper like children
we scampered along home for
it's use.
machines do the washing, as
we begin
to prepare for the outdoor
season,
the sunny times, with suntans,
why oh why do i long for it
so?
with just a tiny little bit
of milk;
yes, i do not drink milk;
my java lights the fire in
my soul,
as it has been doing daily
now
for some roughly 10 years now.
that is all.
it beckons the insidist part
of me
to move from within myself
and go forth
to the world, or at least get
into the
shower.
and me? what about me?
well i'm ok - i'm ok
i am thinking of things
but would rather not discuss
lest i jinx.
i'm not superstitious
but i'm not superstupid either
so let's not push the issue
and merely send positive vibes
around us. - .i wonder why
sentances
don't begin with a period?
there's more im tugging on
but the milky joe is slow
to wake my state of mind.
strings like floss - my newly
flossed
teeth - Dr.O would be proud
even if it
is I who lives with the pain
on cleaning
day.
strings of words? thoughts?
feelings?
what are these strings i pull
anyway?
an upside-down french dictionary
reminds
me of untranslated paragraphs
but where's the translator
of me?
i don't want to be late
but much has been done of late!
quirky little half awake pootsly
smile
creeps here and there as she
is awake enough to know that the major JOB is done.
:-)
now where was i?
oh yes, pulling from these synapses;
the same which remember that
a gag to gcg transversion results in a ala to glu mutation in the transmembrane
region ;-)
the same which remembers all
the lyrics to all the songs i ever knew; the same which remembers your
smiling face, and the burried watermelons from 1974...can barely remember
what it is she sat down to write.
however, a renewed sense of something is here, activities have rebegun, general business is upon us now, and my loved one's borders have been stretched beyond my wildest imaginations. it is written, my contentedness. it is painted on these digital caves; what i once painted daily without fear of repercussion. what did not i know then?
in fact, on a daily basis we
may seem bored with this tool, this instrument. this is not entierly the
truth, and this is not the reailty of it either.
for I fear to say it, but i
pity anyone who does not had the chance to live these words...
"As far as I am concerned, to go onto the Internet is first of all like a dream. It is the dream of a child who walks along a sand beach and looks at the ocean. He feels lonley and weak in front of the vastness of the ocean. And suddenly the wish to start a dialogue with all the people of the world who live on other shores grows on him.
To go onto the Internet is also a venture. It is a magnificent venture which offers itself to me. I take the risk to let myself be welcomed by all women and men, whose face I do not know.
Partenia calls to mind faraway lands, yet unknown.
Partenia is a place of freedom."
-Bishop Jacques Gaillot
-the
room
was back in 1969
and so were we.
-What's
new Pussycat woaoaoaoooo...
-that's
not
really the sound they are making
actually, it's amplified
-show
stuff is 'weird and wild' cause
it comes from the city
-genie's problem
is a permissions issue
-how
can something be so timeless
-it's
not unusual to be loved by anyone
but make sure you're with the
right one
-the
room was back in 1969
-the
room was back in 1969
-the
room was back in 1969
-the
room was back in 1969
-and so were we.
where am
i about 24 hours
after missing out on a night's sleep,
after sitting in a corner table -
perhaps the best in the house -
to eat some MEAT and fermented grapes
and laugh with my loved one -
unknowing about the four hours
i was to spend spinning in my bed -
how was i to know.
i'm here, slightly chilly in my swedish
underpants - watching small frozen specklys
sometimes called snow at an angle,
racing to the ground - i'm here -
sore teeth and gums - but a yummy meal later
-
and some kind of renewed confidence in our
spirits which may not be apparent.
it's just that it's cold here,
planning for the spring and turning heaters
down, who said it was allowed to snow this
week,
pretty much all week, it's not romantic anymore
we're just waiting for it to gooooo awaaaaaay.
other exciting things too - bustling about
in my little pootly head - too many to mention
and mostly boring work stuff. discovering
the
effects of stopping my mild excericise regime-
but motivation is lowest in march, for things
like
excercise.
and off and away now, back to that place
i spend most of my time. winter pictures
might come soon - finding the time for
things, one at a time, like teeth, and
other pressing needs, finally sewed the hole
and little accomplishments only, follow me.
but every day is getting shorter.
bless you and yours,
until then.
i erased everything i wrote here -
about cegep etc.
perhaps we're all semi-solitudinous.
here i am - with no one on the line,
no one dining around me
and i'm happy like this
i think.
perhaps what i sought is now about
in other forms
there was a time-constant craving
and more energy, i suppose
dreams
wake me while i sleep
from slumber sound and deep
delayed visions of swimming
pools
subways there and quickly passed
friends
reappear; making not so smooth
transitions from the sleeping to the waking.
let's write for me now-
where are those daemons
the deeper side of me
eventually, there is no one
left
whose opinions won't hurt someone
the book is read;
kitchen clean
coffee slurped
emails sent.
my recent experiences gave me
yet another
reason to feel silly - stating
oinions which quickly become historical. i wonder how much more quickly
the process could be sped up and if it is sped up too quickly can you call
it learning, at all? but the time is crucial in the learning and if you
do not give things time then there is no way to see your own thoughts with
a different background. or perhaps, once again, is it merely I who must
see everything blackly and whitely?
that may so be the case;
l i f e
/ d e a t h
g o o d / b a d
however i am still extremely
capable,
highly able to accept the gradients
in this life. my conclusions
often,
that there is no right nor
wrong,
left nor right. again, i ask,
what is it about this planet
- or
h
u m a n k i n d
which created such a polarity?
while
south winds blow;
succulants waving overhead
large ships pass by
and folk still lie
baked by sun and filled with
pie;
the northern hemisphere is
still
itself, cloaked in white
falls from the sky.
relaxation
brings us back to who we are;
or were, as it was. now a discomfort
to me
only knowing that this will
go away soon
leaving me back in the darkness
of my
intellect; no flushing words,
little rampant leftbrainspace
and not able to enjoy it while
i can.
while creating interest-groups
in my dreams; we sat around a table laden
with food and tried to discuss
... our
interest, now i forget what
it was?
and then being hypnotised,
they didn't like that it moved my arms. a bunch of dislike
and unsatisfactory feelings
clouded my dreamspace last night and i don't like that, it means that i
must accomlish something soon.
bring on the day;
snow notwithstanding i'll convince
myself that i can do it - when of course i can
and i will. now more than three
weeks since i've had a full day of work; am i numb?
as poot leans her head to the
right
the incessant banging from
downstairs
continues to throb beneath
her floor.
staring blankly, she spins
her head
like a gecko and gets no rewards.
the flying boar mug is empty,
the mint
dental floss still tangled;
another book title scribbled
on the sheet
and a deep deep sigh.
it's not depression my friend,
it's facing straight and narrow
into reality. just a few moments
a day, blankly realizing what
is
going on - for better or for
worse:
and there you have it. the
rest of
the planet gets smiles, smiles,
and another half of the truer
me.
so do not feel gipped that
this paper,
electronically, gets what it
gets.
it's only half the story and
only
the only half i know how to
write
anymore. blatant cheeriness
is boring
on paper i learned, many years
ago;
and I LOVE LIFE scribbled too
many times just loses it's plain effectiveness.
seems silly, almost asking
for it.
i was raised catholic, after
all,
and it's seemed to have some
lasting
effects on me. amongst others.
:-)
peace to you and have a pleasant
march.
copyright poots place 1996,1997,1998,1999</FON